The Downside Of Life
by Butterflies Of Beauty
Summary: for rachy and courtney. what if your life turns upside down, can you handle it? even if you lost your love one but have to face him every day? Lindsay sort of hate story. she's still my fav though. beta HighQueenReicheru
1. prologue

**so, new story, i keep making them up. sorry for not updating, but im doing homework most of the times. dedicated to rachy and courtney, they know why :D  
i'm waiting for your stories, or at least yours, rachy. have fun reading!**

Dreams. Happy little movies playing inside her head while she sleeps. Sometimes they're not so happy, but they always ended well. She knew it was a way to process the events of the day, but even though her days were filled with murder, her dreams always were happy, like herself.

That was, until _it_ happened. Her dreams started to get different after that. Unhappier. Darker. They started to end badly for her. And _he_ was always in them. Her dreams were all about him, they haunted her mind like he did when she was awake. She missed him so badly; everything she saw or heard somehow got connected to him in her mind. And every day in her dreams, she got back to the worst day ever. Not the day she had to testify in the murder of her friends, hell, not even the day her friends got murdered, no, only the day he broke up with her. Every day again, like there was some clue inside. Sometimes the dream was worse; she would hear the words he said over and over again. 'I don't love you! I never loved you!' Sometimes it was better, she would see him telling it while he was about to cry, like he didn't even mean it. She didn't even knew which one was worse, the first made her wake up crying and the second one made her cry later, because she would realize it wasn't really the way it happened. But she did knew which dream hurt the most: the one in which he told her he loved her, that he never meant to break up with her and all sorts of excuses why he did it after that. That made her feel hope, which was destroyed when she woke up. Because he just wasn't there.

But all that didn't matter now. Her life had turned into a mess, and there was no way out of this prison she was in now. It was partly the fault of her co-workers. Even more his fault. But the biggest blame she really had to put on herself. She tried too hard to get him back; she didn't even take care of herself anymore because she followed him. She didn't want to think about it anymore, but she always did. The only thing for her now was going to sleep. So she lay down and closed her eyes. She just hoped she won't experience the thing that became the most painful for her.

Dreams.


	2. the beginning

**so, an update. 2nd day of my crazy days of posting. R&R.**

She had woken up. She didn't really have much time left. Two days, three at the most. And, if she wasn't careful, maybe just a few hours. She thought back to when it all started. It was just 6 months ago. How could that be? It felt like this was going on for an eternity.

The day that turned everything around started like any other day. Well, not exactly, she woke up and proceeded to throw up next to the bed. He didn't go home last night, so he woke up too and asked her what was wrong. She thought she knew, but she wanted to wait to tell him until she knew for sure.

So, that day she left for work early and stopped at a drugstore on her way there. She bought a test and wanted to take it the moment she arrived, but she immediately got called to a scene. It was a burnt car with a body inside. She processed it, brought all the evidence to the lab and called the DA to make sure the man who killed Aiden was still locked up. He still was. It made the case a little harder, until a few hours later. She received a page from Adam, there was a hit on one of the samples she collected.

That was when the day started to become strange. The DNA, which came from the car door, came back Aiden's. She didn't understand, the woman had been dead for over 10 years, how could her DNA suddenly be at a crime scene? The first one she told was Danny, he had been Aiden's closest friend. There were rumours they had been more than that, but no one knew if it was true. She pushed that thought away and got to the ladies room to take the test.

When she came out, everything was different. The test had been positive and she couldn't wait to tell him. Just then she realized the change in light. When she had gone in, it had been around noon, the sun had been at its highest point. But now the lights in the lab were already on. When she thought about it she realized that wasn't true. The lights were _still _on. If the sun would set, she would have seen it's reflection in the windows of the building opposite to the lab. But she couldn't see anything. It freaked her out, but she had no time to think about it because she got called out to a scene.

When she arrived she got a feeling of déjà vu. It was the same scene she processed before. The same spot, the same car, hell, even the position of the body was exactly the same. So, she processed everything like she did before, only this time she ran the sample of the door by herself. She couldn't believe what she saw; the DNA was partly Aiden's, but also partly Danny's. So, she talked to him like she did before, but now she had two things she wanted to talk to him about.

He didn't react like she thought he would. He didn't react to the news his daughter was dead, not even surprised about having a daughter. And then she told him she was pregnant, hoping he would react differently to that. He had one, but it wasn't the one she had hoped for. No confusion. No happiness. No pride. In a matter of seconds she saw shock, realisation, defeat, sadness and finally anger pass through his eyes.

"It's time for this to end. Go to the house and get your stuff out."

She was shocked to hear him say that. She hoped she was wrong, that she was dreaming. She didn't have a response, so he continued.

"Go! I never want to see you again! Wasn't I enough for you? I can't have children! Now go and get your stuff out of MY house!"

She had done it. She had moved back to her old apartment. And that night she dreamt the dream that became familiar to her in a matter of days for the first time.

The dream of sadness.


	3. crushed hope

She sighed. Another day had gone by. Another day of silence, of suffering and, most important, of dreams. Why couldn't those depressing movies stay away? What she needed wasn't that. What she needed wasn't even possible. She needed another world, another life, just to be with him or just to never knowing he existed.

Why could no one grant this one wish, while it could be her last?

She had wished a lot in the month after he dumped her. Wished he would see his mistake, that he could see she loved him and wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Wished she could stop loving him and that she could let him go, because he would never take her back. And finally wished she had never met him, that she had never gone to New York, because it was just too painful now.

But the wishing didn't help and so she found herself even a step lower at the ladder that was her life, even though she thought she already hit rock bottom. She had messed up the burned Jane Doe case by opening the wrong bag of evidence while thinking of her life, so Mac had to fire her. Then she couldn't even afford the rent on her apartment and was packing the most basic stuff she needed to live on the street. Luckily Stella saved her by taking her in, otherwise she wouldn't have survived with all the emotional traumas she had gone through.

And all that happened in just one day, and it wasn't even noon yet. One day, or half a day, was enough for fate to think she wasn't miserable enough and take more things away from her. Her job. Her apartment. Her life, or what was left of it. It just didn't made sense to her. A month ago she had everything she wanted. And now it was all gone. She started to think it was the fault of her pregnancy, but that couldn't be, the child was just a part of her.

And, oh, how happy she had been when Danny asked her if he could talk to her.

But again it didn't go like she expected. He said he wanted to consider dating her again if she agreed on an abortion. She said no immediately, family always had been the most important thing to her. If she said yes she could get him back, but she just couldn't do it, especially because she knew from his reaction that he never wanted to give her children. So, she had said no.

He had sent her out of his apartment and when he had closed the door she had slid down and silently cried sitting there. She didn't know how long she had sat there, but suddenly she heard him moving close to the door. She couldn't help but listen, to hear what he was thinking.

_"I love you Montana. I really do. But I just can't be with you, you wouldn't even understand when I would tell you."_

She gasped, quickly threw her hands in front of her mouth and ran to hide. She had guessed right when she heard a door being opened and shut a few seconds later. She walked past his apartment, everything a blur, not knowing she was being watched.

After a trip home, which went by in a blur too, she finally arrived, opened the door and sat down on the couch, not knowing what to do. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there when Stella came home and said there was a new woman working at the lab. Apparently this woman had been waiting for a job at the New York crime lab for a long time and got hired when she was fired. Stella talked some more about the lab. And eventually she got the feeling she was hiding something. Stella thought for a minute and then she wished she hadn't asked anything.

Stella told her that there were rumours going on in the lab about this new woman, Eva. Some said she had known Danny from long ago. Some said they had been in a relationship. And the one you could hear the most said that she only came to work in the lab to be with Danny and that they were dating, which was the real reason she got hired so fast.

That day was almost more painful than the day he dumped her. She had searched for this woman when she was finished and nothing but good had come up. She walked to her self-made bed and lied down on it to look at the ceiling. Her job. Her life. Him. She had lost it all. After Stella had told her Danny was dating Eva, she wanted to go to his apartment to see how she looked like. But she just couldn't. And that night she had dreamt another dream that became familiar to her for the first time.

The dream that crushed hope.


End file.
